It’s ironic how people whom I haven’t spoken to or seen in years, know the most personal detail about my life right now; and it’s the first thing they ask me about when they see me. Not how I’m doing or what I’ve been up to, but “how’s your mom?” I don’t mind, but I just think it’s ironic.
“I didn’t know why I was going to cry, but I knew that if anybody spoke to me or looked at me too closely the tears would fly out of my eyes and the sobs would fly out of my throat and I’d cry for a week. I could feel the tears brimming and sloshing in me like water in a glass that is unsteady and too full.”
—Sylvia Plath
You know what’s annoying?
Reading people’s complaints about how bad their days were on Facebook or Twitter.
I had a terrible day at work and you know what I came home to today? My mom, in tears, telling me that her cancer has reoccurred— this time in 3 other places in her body, and she has to start receiving chemotherapy, again.
So please, don’t fucking complain about your life.
It’s been barely 5 months since her last radiation session, for what we hopefully thought would be the remnants of her last tumor. But I guess we were wrong. Just as it seemed like life in my family has finally been sort of returning to normalcy, cancer maneuvers its way back into our lives again. It’s not that I had thought that my mom’s cancer would never come back again, as there is no cure for cancer, but I just thought that God would be even more merciful (though He has been over the past year) and grant us a miracle; that all the dormant cancer cells would miraculously disappear and we would never have to go through this ever again. But I guess that’s maybe too much to hope for.
Why do I write this stuff in my blog?
Because I don’t talk to anybody about this stuff, aside from my boyfriend. But even to him, more often than not, I don’t want to talk about it. I just really hate the sympathetic looks, the sympathetic questions, the sympathetic hugs. I just want to be able to talk about it without being questioned or pitied. But cancer happens to be one of those topics that make people uncomfortable and force them to feel like they must act sympathetic to the plight of cancer.
So this is where I go to ‘talk’ about it. No sympathy, which is what I need.
Watched 50/50 this past Friday and I bawled my eyes out. I’m not sure if it really was the movie or if it was because everything in the movie hit too close to home… but I came out of the theater feeling awfully sad and helpless. The two people who should have avoided the movie— me, whose mom has cancer, and my boyfriend, whose mom passed away from cancer… us two, for some strange reason, decided to watch this movie, and I’m not sure if it was a good idea.
But my point is, I guess it was a good movie and people should go watch it.
To be in love is a privilege.
Truly astounding how much life has changed since 2011 began. The changes in love, in family, in work, in friends, in health… every single aspect of my life. Dramatic turnaround. It just blows my mind when I think about it. Just how freaking much things have changed in a matter of 7 months. It’s incredible, it’s crazy, it’s ridiculous, it’s scary. At this rate, I can’t even begin to fathom what my life will be like in 5 years but hopefully I will be in a good place.
Crazy. Stupid. Life.
Boy you got my heartbeat running away
Beating like a drum and it’s coming your way
Can’t you hear that
Boom badoom boom badoom boom badoom bass
I think it’s extraordinarily interesting how life works. Seems like the good always comes completely unexpected, as I’ve come to realize over the past few years.
As Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra’s popular (and over-quoted) saying goes: ‘Where one door shuts, another opens.’
Always true, if you’re willing to believe it. =)
I AM IN LOVE WITH THIS GUY.
